


Roller Coaster

by dramamine_qt



Series: I want to make myself worth something [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Fluff and Smut, Insecure Liam, M/M, Theo POV, Theo is having a hard time dealing with his feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-01-31 08:44:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12678435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramamine_qt/pseuds/dramamine_qt
Summary: After Liam had become Theo's anchor, things have started to change.





	1. Tell me something new

**Author's Note:**

> This follows the events from Shelter, I suggest you read it first, because there's some references of things that have happened or said there. But it can also be read separately.  
> It's half a character study of Theo half the development of Theo and Liam relationship.
> 
> Enjoy!

Theo opened his eyes, gasping, trying to breathe through the taste of panic hovering over him. His senses settled down slowly and he could finally identify where he was. The curtain was open and the weak light of the morning assured him that he was safe, in his own room. That the bed underneath him was his even if it was just for a while.

He didn't move at first. It was too early, no later than 4:00 am, and he felt like he had been fighting all night, his muscles were tense and his limbs weighted tiredly. In moments like that his body seemed to forget everything that had been done to him: he was no chimera, no werewolf, just a human. An exhausted and fragile human. The nightmares were a constant to him, his daily punishment. If he wanted to sleep he didn't have another choice but deal with them.

Someone fumbled around downstairs, probably Liam's stepfather making some coffee and reading a book on the kitchen island. He was an insomniac, almost never slept. Some days both of them would be awake late in the night and Theo would listen to the pages turning until morning, when they would pretend that nothing happened and everything was normal.

He sat down and put his bare feet on the floor. He needed to feel real again. The four walls of his room seemed to shrink around him and make it difficult to breathe.

The window was already open (he'd never close it) and he walked to it quietly, trying to not wake Liam up, who was just a thin wall away from him. He'd learned that the guy was anything but a morning person, going to sleep too late and waking up like a piece of shit next day. 

Theo looked outside and felt the urge to leave. He wasn't a fan of living in his truck, but he wasn't a fan of being trapped either. Not that this house was a prison, but Theo felt like the person these people thought he was didn't exist and that who he really was didn't deserved anything that was happening to him. He was mentally tired of pretending day after day that he was a normal person. He didn't want Liam's mother to make him breakfast or ask him how was his day like she was genuinely interested in what he did; for her, he was just a kid who had run from an abusive family.  _ Well, ma’am, my family is dead because of me, you know? _ If she knew the truth any of this kindness would exist.

He didn't want Liam to say shit about love to him and treat him like he was special when he was nothing but an weapon. Nothing but a murderer. Someone who had been raised to destroy and take. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be  _ that _ Theo, he was just pretty aware that he wasn’t and would never be him. Maybe that was the worst part.

Back then, when everything he had wanted was power, Theo had saw the world as a place to play. Things –  _ people _ – had been his to take possession of; they had been just means to an end. He’d been the first chimera, a survivor. Succeed had been his way to prove that he wasn’t the failure the Dread Doctors said he was, that doing everything he did worth something… anything.

But his end had been being dragged to hell. Screaming. Begging. His hands empty.

Waking up from the nightmare of having his chest ripped apart time after time had been a very weird experience for him. Theo had saw himself numb. He hadn't wanted to fight anymore. He hadn't known why he still existed now that everything he’d done, his worst, hadn't worth anything. With nowhere to go, no one who cared if he was dead or alive, nothing.

All he’d wanted was freedom. He had desired to leave and find a way to  _ live  _ far away from his mess. But he had to fight anyway. Theo had to be side by side with his own victims, letting himself be used one more time – over regret, maybe? 

He did his best to look like he didn’t care, Theo didn’t believe in redemption, what had been done was done, but the weight of all this shit was too much for him to bear. He couldn’t help himself, feeling trapped in a spiral of accusations and guilt. No one would forgive or forget. Tara definitely wouldn’t and she was always coming back to collect his debt. He had learned to trust this one certainty in his life. She would always be the one to never leave him alone.

It’s been weeks since Theo had a home address in Beacon Hills, that he had regular food and people around making noises, living, caring about each other.  _ Fuck _ , caring about  _ him _ . Sometimes he would feel the pain in his chest get worse, like his body was rejecting it, making him remember how much he didn’t belong there. He tried really hard to act like a normal person in front of Liam’s parents; they didn’t know him, they had no idea that they had agreed to share a roof with a murderer and he wanted to keep it like that until he couldn’t pretend anymore. They would find out who he really was sooner or later, or by his past or by the rotting thing he had inside him.

He wasn't made for domesticity. He wasn't made for normality. He wasn't made to be happy.

Even if he had thought he could, for a while.

When he left Beacon Hills, Theo had mistakenly believe it was all over. That he would create a new person and then be it. But he had realized how nothing he was and had. He hadn’t known where to start or how to be different so he ended up falling back on old habits. His survive mode had turned on again by circumstances. He’d used his charm, his words, his knowledge, his body, to make his way in life. But, instead of before, it had been pointless this time, there was nothing he wanted anymore, there was no goal. He'd thought that surviving was a good priority to have, but his life wasn’t worth much. He had never been as careless with himself as he was in this moment.

Maybe that explained why he got caught.

Kidnapped and tortured by hunters, Theo had decided not to fight, but if he was about to die in that shithole he would, at least, be his worst. He took everything the hunters had for him without saying one word, without breaking. The pain was bearable, he could handle pain. Always had.

But then they had mentioned Monroe's name – her obsession with Scott's pack and the aberration that was Beacon Hills. Theo had gritted his teeth, forcing himself to not care, to not react at the discussion of Gerard's original plan to destroy an alpha over his beta.  _ They are like father and son _ , they'd said,  _ kill the son and the father will break _ .

Theo had tried to contain his anger. It wasn't his business anymore, he shouldn't care if they were dead or alive – damn, he didn’t even care about himself. He had nothing to do with them. But feelings have ruined him.

Since the universe ceased to be an endless chessboard and he opened his eyes in the world of the living for the second time, Theo had to deal with every feeling, every emotion he had to suppress during his entire life. And the  _ beta _ , Liam, was responsible for most of them. Working with him as a team was an emotional roller coaster. 

With him he learned what was jealousy – if he saw Liam and Hayden kissing or holding hands one more time he would have blinded himself before Scott could make it a trend –, sacrifice, worry,  _ empathy _ , infuriating hopelessness, he felt so many combinations of feelings that his theory about feeling just one thing at a time made him look like he had the emotional understanding of a 10 years old child (oh, if it wasn’t the sad truth).

When Liam’s asked about his return to Beacon Hills, he lied. Theo wasn’t saving himself from being tortured – actually, he was pretty ready to die – or just trying to play it cool with Scott’s pack. It was because of Liam. If Theo was still alive, it was his fault. He couldn’t let Liam die after saving his ass so many times in that fucking hospital.

Liam had ruined him.

Liam who had nightmares too – sometimes he would chant the name of the dead ones, sometimes he cried, sometimes he would whisper his name and plead for him to stay alive or just to stay.

Liam who told him he deserved to live even with everything he’s done.

Liam who would touch him like he was ephemeral. Like he was waiting him to disappear.

Theo didn’t notice he had closed his eyes until he had to open them and see who was entering his room. He was so distracted in thoughts that he didn’t heard when Liam’s breathing changed and he was waking up.

“I swear I could hear you in my dreams.” he said, his voice low and hoarse. He looked younger than ever with those sleepy blue eyes, hugging a pillow and with a half smile on his face. “You’re thinking too loud.”

“Should I say sorry?” Theo answered, his nonchalant smirk in place with his mask of normality put back together. No signal that he was just thinking about how Liam was the only thing that mattered for him in the entire world. Or how much Liam deserved better. He watched him lay down on his bed like it was nothing.

“You should stop looking and bring your ass here.”

“Has anyone ever told you how clingy you are?” All of the touching had increased a lot after the basement event – their shoulders brushing when they walked together, their tights touching when they sat too close to each other in the movie nights, the hands casually longing on each other arms during a talk or an argument or – on Theo’s case, at least – to feel the warmth of his skin, Liam’s pulse under his fingertips. After everything, he was finding hard to keep his grip on reality and it helped. If Liam was still with him, things were fine.

Also, at some point they’ve started to fuck in a regular basis.

“Nope. Just you say that.” He replied, while Theo approached and sat in the space beside him. He couldn’t help but feel wrong wanting Liam as much as he did, even if it felt so right to have him. “But you don’t see me messing around and wanting to cuddle random people. You are the only option I have at the moment.”

“Oh, poor little wolf.” Theo’s hopelessness around him was ridiculous. He laid down and they faced each other. Liam’s bed head was a mess and Theo absorbed that image, his inexplicable willingness to be honest and open with him like it was easy. He put a hand on Theo’s chest instinctively and he couldn’t stop his heart from accelerating. “Come here then. “

Theo didn’t like to remember what happened between them when Liam assumed the position of his anchor. The way it happened. Theo hated to know that he could be so vulnerable, so small and powerless. He hated even more that Liam had to see him like that.

That he was the one to put him together.

He started avoiding wearing clothes with short sleeves, not just so people wouldn’t see the scar left on his arm and realize that he was defective inside  _ and out _ but also because he couldn’t face it. He couldn’t admit letting himself being so exposed, so open and out of control. Theo wouldn't use Liam to share the weight of his demons; he was too good for that, he shouldn't have to deal with all this crap. He wanted Liam to be happy and he would never be it by his side. So he also tried started avoiding Liam.

Not that he could go too far, with all the  _ living together _ arrangements and with Liam shamelessly digging his way into Theo’s heart.

“Are you alright?” Theo asked, trying to get out of himself for a bit and giving attention to Liam’s uneasy. Liam’s answer was burying his face between Theo’s neck and the pillow.

“‘m fine.”

“Sure.” He smiled when Liam dug himself even more into the mattress like he wanted to disappear completely underneath him. Theo put the cover over them and rested his hand on Liam’s waist. “So, what got you out of bed so early?”

“Just told you. It’s your fault.” He changed position slightly so he could actually breathe and his mouth ended up touching Theo’s collarbone.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot that besides turning into an actual wolf you also have telepathy. My mistake.” Theo felt Liam rolling his eyes and smirked. “I’m flattered to know that just my existence bothers you enough to make you get up at four.”

Liam growled, four o’clock in the morning was like night time for him.

“So, what is this?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it.” If he couldn’t get anymore cute, Liam pouted. Theo sighed heavily. “Can’t we just stay here really quiet and pretend that we aren’t here, so no one will bother us and I don’t have to go to school?”

“What’s wrong with school?” Liam didn’t answer right away. “Besides you sucking at every class except History, of course.”

“Fuck you.”

“You have to decide, Liam, I can’t keep holding you if I am fuck-”

“Christ, Theo, just shut the fuck up.” He grumbled and lifted himself a bit just to be able to send a murderous glare at Theo when he laughed, Liam was really too easy. “You are a horrible person, man, just saying.”

Theo made an innocent face. Liam rolled his eyes again and laid back down.

“It’s not school. It’s life in general.” The words got out of him painfully. He was shit at talking about himself. Both of them were, although Liam seemed to think that talking about Theo was all fun and giggle and did it a lot. Sometimes he would drop something about his own feelings without even noticing and making Theo feel like living in a social experiment, stuck forever in that emotional roller coaster. He would never get used to it.

“Life’s a bitch. Tell me something new.”

“Scott’s leaving Beacon Hills to college and he wants me to lead the pack.” He said, staring at the ceiling like it’s offended him, his arms crossed and jaw locked. Theo resisted the urge to touch him until his edges softened up.

“Well, that’s something.” Liam side looked him in a  _ no shit _ tone. Theo shrugged, unimpressed. “So what? You don’t want to lead? Would you rather leave it to  _ Malia _ ? You’re good.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s nothing good. It’s… it’s a disaster.  _ Fuck _ .” He rubbed his face with his hands violently. “I suck at making plans and taking decisions. What if something bad happens? What if I do something dumb and one of you dies? What if everyone get killed because I suck at leading?”

He turned to Theo, his face heated, plastered with disgust, probably imagining a dozen scenarios where the pack was having a very painful death. He ignored the part where he said  _ one of you _ like he was part of the pack.

“I’m confused. Why everyone forgets that I’m a confused person?” he growled and hid under the cover. 

Theo kicked down the fondness growing inside him seeing Liam genuinely insecure about this, it was almost funny that he was feeling unworthy of something that Theo one day thought was his by right. Ironic. They were so different, made from very distinctive foundations. 

Anyway, he needed to calm him down before his fear of responsibility and failure triggered his anger. Liam could be a lot of things, but he hardly ever was anxious like that.

He took the cover away.

“When is he going?” He asked, right before indulging himself and leaving a trail of kisses on Liam’s jaw line. Liam made a face, but didn’t push him away. He even grumpily stretched his neck a bit so Theo could have more space to work.

“In a month. Maybe.”

“That’s tough.” He replied, absently, biting Liam’s shoulder. He moaned and turned to face him, putting a hand on his hair and kissing his mouth.

“I can’t believe-” A kiss. “You are trying to-” Another kiss. “Sex me out of my worries.”

Theo smirked.

“Are you feeling sexed out?”

“I hope I’m going to be.” Theo had a thigh between Liam’s legs, pressing gently against him. Learning people was a part of his job a long time ago and with Liam, he knew how to push his buttons the right way and was determined to do this painfully slowly, until Liam got to forget what the problem was in the first place.  “You suck at comforting, though.”

“Well, sucking is something that I'm very good at.” His hands explored the skin under his shirt until Liam was the one to move and take it off quickly. Theo could tease him for the rest of his life if he could get to see him exasperated like that. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Yes. No! I mean, no. But yes.” Theo licked his neck and ended biting and pulling his earlobe with his teeth. Liam groaned.

“What is this?” He kissed him once more and lifted himself by his elbow. “Were you expecting me to talk you down? That I would make a list of your qualities and say how much I think you can do this, even if we both know that you won't believe a word I'd say and be as nervous as you were when this talk started one year ago?”

They glared at each other. Liam looked away.

“Let me make you feel good.”  _ Loved _ , Theo should have said, but that wasn't the moment. Any moment was the moment.

Liam nodded and he smirked, moving over him, Liam’s legs wrapping around his hip. He took his shirt off just because he knew Liam liked skin on skin a little too much. He didn’t care if Liam saw his scar, actually, Theo hoped Liam got to see all of his dark sides and have enough reasons to give up on him. Which was fucked up, once Theo’s greater fear was losing Liam.

He kissed him again and went down to his neck, collarbone, until he could give attention to his nipples, one by one, Liam’s erection rubbing on his stomach. Theo could almost feel him vibrating underneath him, suppressing the sounds he'd probably die to make.

“But I kinda want that.” He said, suddenly, his voice dense and a hand firm on Theo's hair. “I wanna hear that. Because I don't know. I- I just don't know.”

Theo looked up and saw him shivering, his eyes closed and jaw shut tight.  _ Damn _ , he was so beautiful. Theo trusted himself to fight alongside him and to get his back if things went south, he was a fighter after all, but he wasn't sure he knew how to deal with him emotionally. He didn’t knoww how to help or how to protect him from something he couldn’t just punch in the face.

So he decided to make an effort and do what he’s been asked. Even if he wasn’t sure about that either.

“You know when I'm lying, don't you?” He said and Liam looked back at him, frowning. “I used to be good at this. I  _ am _ good. But you seem to just know, right?”

It was really frustrating. His heart wouldn’t stumble when he lied, his eyes wouldn’t divert to the wrong place and his breathing would keep its normal pace, he was pretty good at this, but, even then… A clear signal that Liam somehow saw him, knew him.

That question, though, wasn't for Liam to answer. Theo kept talking. “So listen to me carefully and know that any of this is a lie. Believe it. So I never have to say that again.” Liam swallowed, his eyes burning him with expectations. Theo turneded his attention back to Liam's body, he couldn't look at him, and started kissing his chest, gently,  It would be easier like this.

He let himself be surrounded by Liam’s scent, he nuzzled, kissed –  _ worshiped _ – his skin, the way his muscles reacted to him, the way his nails started digging the nape of his hair. It was strange that he desperately ran from his feelings but also desperately wanted to dive on it. 

“You are the only one I trust.” Theo whispered making his way back up, against Liam’s throat, both shuddering with their body contact. “You fight yourself everyday and win everytime.

“There’s no way you’re going to fail us, you care too much for that.” He didn’t think too much about the  _ us _ , including himself into the group of significant people on Liam’s life, even if he didn’t have the right to be there. 

“You won’t rest until you save everyone.” He kissed his jaw, then his cheekbone, then his closed eyes. Liam was panting, lips half open. “You keep saving me.”

Incredible how this level of intimacy could turn he on. He would feel stupid saying things like that in every other situation, but not when Liam took him even closer, craving for something that Theo didn’t think he could provide him. He didn’t think his hollowness would let him be honest like that.

He didn’t even notice when he started thrusting, his boxers and his sport shorts still between them, but he wouldn’t bother to take them off now. Soon Liam was following his pace, digging his back almost painfully.

Theo was also having a hard time to breathe, scenting a handful things from Liam’s chemo signals, a bit overwhelmed, feeling himself a lot of conflicted emotions.

They kissed in the mouth messily while Theo forced himself up, pulling his legs apart even more, swallowing his moan.

He lifted himself enough to look down and see his face. Theo used to think of himself as a heartless person, the fact that the organ pulsing inside him wasn’t even his just proved his point. He despised his heart everytime he could, or else he wouldn’t have a single moment without thinking about his past mistakes or how it meant he was still alive when he shouldn’t. But it was in moments like this, with a wrecked Liam under him, he felt gratitude for being in this earth. He felt an uncharacteristic warm in his chest that could easily make him want to keep going.

“I would die for you, Liam Dunbar. Even if I know that you would die for me first.” And that was it. Liam looked at him behind narrowed eyes and pushed him for another kiss. Theo sat and took Liam with him, on his lap. They moved together a couple of times and the sound Liam made when he came put him over the edge. 

Liam was breathing hard against his neck; every contact point between them seemed to burn him. 

They ended lying down again after getting rid of the mess that were their underclothes. Liam hold Theo down this time, aware that things had changed, aware of the depth of their connection. Theo was sure Liam could sense his mixed feelings and was grateful for the silence that fell between them; he couldn’t stand to hear his own voice or to know what Liam was thinking about all of this.

When they heard Liam’s mother getting up, they hadn’t other option but disentangle from each other. He received a kiss in the corner of his mouth before watching him go, closing the door and leaving him alone. 

The room seemed to close around him almost immediately. Everything suddenly was too much.

He was so fucked up.

  
  



	2. I know I didn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo has a lot to learn. Some threat appears.

Eventually, Theo tried to find a job.

It didn’t go well. He noticed that he wasn’t good at neither keeping a routine nor interacting with people for a long time. No one could deny that Theo was a charming person, but he thought it was pointless to please random people, day after day, if it wouldn’t worth something for him personally. They bored him to death. He just got tired and with a bitter taste in his mouth, like he was playing a role, _again_. His entire life was a stage now.

Not everything, of course.

He hadn’t been pretending when he said those things to Liam a couple of months ago, he had meant every word. And it had scared him shitless. Being honest was as appealing to him as being a character: uncomfortable as fuck. He wanted Liam, but wasn’t sure if he was ready to accept what would come with him. Liam claimed that Theo had changed – this was his main argument when someone talked shit about him or just looked at him the wrong way. Liam’s temper seemed to be even shorter when it’s came to Theo – but, besides putting a break on his habit of murdering people Theo was still the selfish bastard he always had been.

His _thing_ with Liam was there to prove it. If he had truly changed, he would free Liam from him.

Anyway, he hated this job the same way he hated the last two he had in this month. He hadn’t stayed in any of them because he couldn’t fucking stand the place, or his colleges, or his boss, or all of this together. From one he had gotten fired and from the other he had simply walked away. Now his goal was to, at least, get paid.

When he had been out of the city and needed money to buy food and put gas on his truck, he would do anything that appeared to him, but they had been pretty quick jobs, things that he didn't need to come back next day and do again. He also hadn’t to stop and think if the thing he was doing was good or if it would disappoint someone (a.k.a. Liam). Morality wasn't exactly his strength, if you think about it.

He didn't want Liam to think that he failed before even trying. And that's why he was wearing that fucking apron and smiling at stupid teenagers on a downtown coffee shop. It had been three days since he started there and his trademarked smirk turned into a plastered mask in the end of day one. If he was just a human, Theo was sure his cheeks would be hurting by now.

Theo didn't miss the old times; he wasn't proud of what he did – he thought, at first, that it was because failure was _not_ something to remember with pride, obviously. Now, he started thinking that if everything went as planned, there would be no Liam and it would, definitely, suck –, but he missed the thrill. He missed the action. He missed the challenge. _Fuck_ , he missed being useful. His life had been too quiet and his brain was keeping itself busy with useless stuff. Theo couldn’t stop trying to figure out what the hell exactly he was feeling, what he wanted or what he was suppose to do.

At the end of his shift, Theo thought he was about to explode. He couldn’t keep going doing this. And the problem wasn’t just this job, but the entire concept of putting his life together when he didn’t even feel that he had a life at all. For him it was like he lacked almost ten years of his history, where he should have been a kid and a teenager, where he would have figured out what he liked, his passions, and his dreams. With no blood baths, no scientific experiments, no trip to hell.

His dependence on Liam had also been bothering him. The guy had everything to be great: power, potential, friends, family, lacrosse, a pack. Theo, on his side, needed Liam to even function and it wasn’t right to make him be stuck with someone who was fated to be nothing.

Under the sunset, outside the coffee shop, Theo impulsively kicked the tire of his truck. Then did it twice before entering and starting the car. His brain wouldn’t just shut the fuck up.

He kept driving, he didn't know how to turn his mind off anymore, he didn't want to think. He didn't take the turns he should and he kept going on the highway, leaving Liam’s house behind. Beacon Hills staying behind.

Ready or not, he was about to leave, even if he knew Liam would never forgive him. Theo hadn’t promised anything to him, never said out loud that he would stay, but he felt like he was betraying his trust the same way. He tried not to care. He had nothing to do with Liam and his expectations, after all.

Theo drove in an automatic mode, barely paying attention to his surroundings. Then, the smell of blood hit him like a brick and he felt his body tense up, his grip on the steering wheel almost strong enough to leave finger marks on the material. He pulled over, trying to control his breathing and waiting for his heart to stop beating like crazy. _It was just blood_.

He got out of the truck and swallowed dry before following the scent. Theo could feel the weight of his phone in his pocket and thought about calling someone, anyone, to deal with it. It wasn’t his problem, why should he care? But he was there anyway and didn’t want to talk to Liam and let him know that he was in the verge of going away.

The more he went into the woods, more the smell got thicker. It was bad. Really bad. He walked as quietly as he could, but the silence around told him that whatever happened was already over and no other alive person was there anymore.

The body was under a tree, positioned like it was sitting, the head hanging over its chest. Getting closer, he saw that it was a woman.

“Shit.” he whispered, recognizing the short haircut and the skirt. That woman had been at the coffee shop earlier. She had been holding the hand of a child and when he handed her order – an espresso and a cupcake – the little girl had managed to grab a handful of the cupcake topping. Theo made a face and waited for them to make a scene, some screaming and crying, but the woman just smiled tiredly and asked for a napkin. He had watched while she cleaned her hand (and her face, which the girl promptly smeared with chocolate) and he had kept watching when they sat down and she patiently fed her kid like nothing had happened. No reprimand, no anger. This had distracted him for a while until a teenager came up to order a weird ass drink that Theo had yet to learn how to prepare.

He stared at her. She was dirty, colorless, her blouse in shreds and with her neck and shoulder horrible mutilated, blood-soaked. Theo’s sight blurred suddenly and he noticed that his eyes were filled with tears. He looked away, incapable of getting any closer to catch some scent or try to track whatever did this, his legs just wouldn’t move. _It was just a body_.

If he couldn’t get closer, he would walk away, so Theo made his way back until he couldn’t see her anymore and finally made the call. The smell was starting to make him sick, which was ironic, because anything about flesh and blood had never bothered him before.

Liam answered in the second ring.

“Theo!? Where are you? Mason is trying to drag me to a party and I _really_ don’t want to go.” He sounded happy. Theo could feel his smile even if he couldn’t see his face. “Help me, pleease.”

Maybe calling him so soon wasn’t a good idea, because Theo found himself unable to talk. It was like his throat was too tight and the pain on his heart more evident than ever, like someone was crushing it from inside. This was all wrong.

“Theo? Are you there?” Liam asked and Theo noticed he had held his breath. He fixed it the best he could even if his breathing was irregular. Liam's tone changed completely. “What happened? Where are you? Talk to me, you idiot!”

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” He answered, not wanting to worry him more than necessary. _It was just a fucking body_. “I need you to come over. I- There’s a corpse here. I thought you should know.”

“A corpse? What the hell!? Wait a sec.” Theo heard some motion and tried to focus on what was probably happening on the other side. He imagined Liam talking quickly with Mason, demanding him to drive him there. Corey would be making all the questions Liam should had made before but forgot. He would be already halfway the sidewalk outside his house. “Right, now, _where the fuck you are_?”

“I’ll send you my localization.” he replied, guilt creeping its way into him. If he hadn’t ran away like a fucking coward, he would never find her like that and he wouldn’t have to confront Liam about his escape. “I’m waiting.”

He did as he told, walked back to his truck and locked himself there without even thinking. The realization that he didn’t know himself anymore fell over him at once. Theo was aware that the thing he was feeling in that moment was fear, an entirely different kind of fear of what he was used to, one that made it pretty clear that he lost every bit of control he had thought he had. This made him start to laugh hysterically, his own sound making him cringe, folding into himself until his head reached the steering wheel. The laugh turned into sobs. He hated this.

Why that woman’s death made him feel like that, paralyzed, weak? Her body was ruined, brutally taken by some kind of beast, sure, but he had seen worse, he had _made_ worse. Theo had tortured and ripped throats off with his own hands before, it shouldn’t have disgusted him that much.

Theo forced himself to stop and breathe. He didn’t want the others to see him like that and they would be there soon, considering Liam’s impatience.

But he couldn’t concentrate.

She had a family, he thought suddenly. That woman was, probably, a caring mother. Her child would grow up learning that it was okay to make mistakes and still be loved after this. People would miss her.

“Fucking shit.” He murmured, closing his eyes. So what? He was caring about random people now? Any of this mattered to him before, he had always been aware that his victims where somebody to someone, that they had mothers and significant others, but any of this had ever stopped him. They were just a part of a whole. With that woman, however, it was unfair. _He_ had been unfair all his life.

“Theo.” Liam’s muffled voice from the outside woke him from his thoughts; he didn’t let his surprise show up, just took a deep breath and looked up, meeting his worried eyes. “Theo, please.”

He opened the door slowly and got out, taking his time. Who was he fooling? Theo was a fucking mess.

“Are you alright?”

“No.” He answered and both of them seemed to be unprepared to this honesty in that moment. Neither one expected Theo to not pretend everything was normal. “I'm not.”

Liam nodded, understanding, then held his face and kissed him, mouth closed, so quickly Theo barely registered the start and the end of this.

“Stay here. I’ll be back soon.” And turned to follow Mason and Corey into the woods. The increase of Theo’s heart beats had nothing to do with dead bodies this time.

The time passed without him paying any attention to it. Theo zoned out once more, drowning in memories, trying to remember the faces of the ones he had killed. He knew there was no point doing this, but he felt like he should.

“Theo, let's go home.” Liam touched his forearm and he blinked, noticing that he hadn’t moved since the last time he saw him. “I'll drive.”

If Theo wanted to lighten up the mood, that was the opportunity; he could start an argument about not letting him drive his truck, they would shout at each other and everything would be fine, but Theo had never been so out of his game before (he wasn't counting the anchoring thing, he refused to think about that) and felt like he was too weak to try and play his role like nothing happened.

So he nodded and entered the car by the other side.

“Mason called the police anonymously.” Liam informed and bit his lip, nervous. “I think a werewolf did this, maybe a newly transformed one. If it is true, we will have to deal with them, whoever is that, and with the alpha who turned them.”

Theo nodded again, thinking how the idea of calling the police didn't even pass through his mind. He was used to hide the evidences from them, not looking up for them to ask for help.

“Do you know her?” Liam asked after some minutes of silence. “The woman?”

“No.”

“I- are you sure? You looked like you were panicking back there.” He frowned, too concentrated on the road. “It was like you were mourning. Or in pain.”

“I was.” He answered, cold. Theo just wanted to disappear for a while; it pained him to be awake, to be alive. His mourning wasn't just for her.

“Please, talk to me.” His frustration was clear on him. Theo didn't had the strength to care.

“And say what? That I've lost my shit because a fucking dead body? Or do you want me to talk about how I was supposed to be far fucking away from here by now?” He had tears in his eyes again and he was so angry that it seemed to become common for him now. He was so pathetic. Theo put his hands on his head and clawed at it, he needed to feel grounded. He needed reality. “I'm so damn tired.”

“Stop.” Liam had pulled over and was holding Theo's wrists, easing them with little circle motions until he let go. Liam put Theo’s hands together between his and made him look up. “I don’t know what’s going on with you right now. I don’t even know if I can help, but listen.”

Liam took a handful of Theo’s hair, not strong enough to hurt but firm, making sure he was still with him. “Whatever happened with that woman wasn’t your fault, you didn’t do this, that was-”

“I know I didn’t.” He interrupted, feeling like Liam was missing the point completely. The guy rolled his eyes.

“You are stinking of guilty, Theo. I know that you know that it’s not on you, but maybe you feel that it _could_ have been you. Am I right?” Theo just glared at him. “Which is nuts, you know.”

“Fuck you.”

“You don't do these things anymore and even when you did, you didn't just choose random people for the pleasure of the kill. It’s not like you are a sociopath or whatever.” Liam said this casually, like he was just stating a fact. That made Theo feel worse. He hated that Liam thought he knew him when he didn't even know what to think about himself. The guy made everything seems easy, like he could switch on and off what he was as a person.

Theo had been a _sociopath_. He shouldn’t be trust and that was exactly what Liam seemed to be blindly doing.

“Shut the fuck up.” He replied through gritted teeth. Liam looked at him confused at his anger.

"You don't understand." Theo shoved him away and looked outside. Liam couldn't get him in this, because he just didn't know how it felt like.

"So explain it to me." He replied, jaw tight, a hint of anger in the air, his typical reaction to things he didn’t comprehend.

Theo remained silent, he didn't know how to say what was going on in his mind, and he didn’t even know if this could be translated into words at all. They glared at each other and Liam got impatient. He turned and started the truck again.

"You are free to go, Theo." He said, his voice uncharacteristically avoid of emotions. "Was the guilty because of that? For leaving?"

No answer.

"If you hadn't noticed yet, I want you to be happy. I tried to give to you what I thought would make you feel better." Liam said and looked at him side eyed and saw him swallowing dry, their eyes met for a second and when he continued, Liam's tone was softer. "If it isn't, you can go. You don't owe me anything. I don’t want to imprison you just because of how I feel."

And with that the ‘talk’ was over. They came back home and Theo found out that it was easier to breath there, he couldn't help but feel safe inside closed doors, where the world looked like a sort of alternative universe. A place where he was, somehow, welcome.

Liam disappeared into his bedroom in the moment they put their feet in the house. Theo didn’t want to close himself in a small space yet and went to the kitchen. He needed a distraction, anything, to avoid thinking on the implications of what Liam told him. _He was so fucking tired_.

So, Theo started to make a sandwich. A simple task that he couldn’t fail. Safe enough.

Liam’s mother arrived from work and they worked together, moving around the kitchen, talking about silly and trivial subjects. He knew he looked calm and composed. He made sure to smile – even laugh – at some things she said. This time, he didn’t feel like he was executing his duty as a good boy; he wanted to feel some kind of normality, to prove himself that he was still capable of being around people without breaking apart.

They ate together like he didn’t just left a dead body in the woods minutes before. A body of a person that was just like her, but with a little bit more of bad luck.

“Are you alright, Theo?” She asked, touching his arm while he was getting up to clean his dishes. He frowned.

“Yes, sure.” He answered, gently moving away.

“Hm, you look, I don’t know… distressed?” She shrugged, smiling. “Is everything okay at work?”

“Yeah.” Theo smirked, thinking how much this conversation needed to be over. “I think I’m gonna keep it this time.”

“Great! Good to know you’re adapting.” She said without giving it much attention, looking at the screen of her phone. Then she looked up. “I know it’s not easy and that the past will be behind you forever, but you’re doing alright, I think.”

Theo had stopped what he was doing and met her eyes suspiciously while she smiled.

“If you ever want to talk about anything, you know you have us, don’t you?” He nodded, swallowing dry. “It’s gonna be easier to forgive them once you put it all out.”

Theo decided he was done with talks for that day.

“Them…?”

“Your parents. For what they did.” _Oh, sure, the lie_. He nodded again with more confidence.

“Thanks, I will remember that.” It would be fun to tell them about the Dread Doctors or about how he watched his sister die in a fucking frozen lake. If he cried a little while doing it, maybe they would call it trauma and give him a hug. He tried to not roll his eyes. “I gotta go.”

He was climbing the stairs before she could finish saying ‘good night’.

Theo saw his own room through the half open door and decided he didn’t want to be alone that night. Besides living there for months now, he hadn’t really think it would last and his room remained sterile; impersonal like a hotel room.

And he would hate to sleep knowing Liam was upset at him. They had been used to bickering and teasing, but that felt like a fight. It was like some line was crossed and he wasn't up to have to deal with anymore unpleasant feelings.

 _I want you to be happy_ , Liam had said and Theo didn’t doubt it. One thing that he knew for sure in his life: Liam loved him. One thing he couldn’t explain how it had happened: _Liam loved him_.

He honestly just didn’t know what to do with all this caring.

Theo stopped at his door, unsure if he would be welcome. It wasn’t just like he didn’t want to talk to him; the problem was that it was too much. Things that he struggled just thinking about. Things that he didn’t want Liam to know.

Liam’s second favorite argument to defend Theo’s cause – besides saying that he had changed – was that he was made like this. That he turned out to be a murderous power thirsty chimera because the Dread Doctors had leaded him to it. Theo thought it was too naïve from Liam. He was the one there, he was the one making decisions and he was sure the feeling he got from all of this was more manipulating than being manipulated.

If Liam knew about these from Theo’s point of view – his _honest_ point of view – he wouldn’t think the same.

The door opened before he could change his mind and he ended up looking at Liam’s face, his eyes too blue and too tired. He wasn’t mad anymore, at least.

“I’m sorry.” Liam said and Theo frowned, he wasn’t expecting an apologize.

“What for?”

Liam rolled his eyes and Theo felt like he was missing something.

“Come in.” It was relatively dark inside; just his bedside lamp was on.

“How much time do you think your parents will take to notice our little trips to each other room?” He asked just to say something, while Liam sat on the bed, fidgeting with his fingers, making Theo uncomfortable for standing. He sat down on the foot of the bed.

“Are you gonna stay long enough for this to happen?” The reply hadn’t any heat or accusation, but Liam seemed to regret saying it anyway. “Sorry, I- didn’t want to say it like that.”

Theo hated when Liam was too careful, too wary, like he was easy to break. Maybe he was, now, but Theo didn’t need Liam to make his weaknesses even more evident.

“Alright, let’s talk about that and get over it before you take your own hand off or something. I’m not leaving.” Liam raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “Not anymore, I was being an idiot earlier. I was overwhelmed with some shit and thought that running would be the best option. And okay, I get it, it isn’t.”

“What shit?” He didn’t seem convinced. Theo shrugged out the question and Liam didn't push. “What made you change your mind?”

“Blood and gore, if you have already forgotten. It was very persuasive. You know I can’t resist a murder scenario.” Liam looked at him like he could happily provide him another murder scenario using him as the role of dead body and Theo thought that maybe he should stop messing around with him when they were suppose to talk seriously, even if it was so fun.

Theo smiled and breathed deeply before saying:

“You. It's always you, isn't it?” There was no point on denying it. Theo had already understood that Liam was his anchor, what connected him with the world. He hadn't accepted this very well yet, but he knew it was true. “I don't think I would really go away.”

Liam nodded, tense.

“Why were you apologizing?”

“For being an ass when you needed help, that’s why.” And he looked truly frustrated with himself for that. Theo hadn’t blamed him; any of this had been his fault, he didn’t expect anything from him.

“Well, you were just being yourself then. It isn’t like you can help it, right?” Theo smirked and Liam hit him with a pillow.

“I’m being serious here, jerk!”

“Me too. What I’m saying is that being my anchor doesn’t make you automatically Yoda, oozing wisdom or whatever. Sometimes you just can’t-” _be there for me_ , he would like to say, but decided not to. Liam took a deep breath and looked down. “As you might have noticed, I’m not in a good place right now. But you are here. You opened the door for me _again_. That helps. Even if you’re being an ass.”

“I’m going to stab you.”

“I’d like to see you try.” He felt like he couldn't stop smirking even if he tried. Liam rolled his eyes.

“Now, what about you stop saying what I want to hear and start telling me what the hell was going on back there.” Theo’s smirk fell flat. He hated how Liam could read him sometimes. “My mom is right about the talking thing. And I know what truly happened. It won’t scare me.”

“Oh, you were eavesdropping! Bad Liam.” Theo's sarcasm made its job of building a protective wall around him and buying him some time to think of a way to distract the guy. “Your mom would be ashamed.”

“ _I_ ’m ashamed of you right now.” Liam raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

“I don't want to talk about feelings.” He replied, making the face that Liam had once said that made him want to eat Theo alive – a very Liam way to say that he was being cute.

Liam tried not to smile, but failed miserably.

“It's so weird to hear you using the word ‘feelings’. Do it again.”

“Make me.”

“You're so fucking annoying. I don't know why I put up with you.” Liam said, getting closer and sitting on his own knees in front of Theo. He took Theo's face on his hands and silently studied him, his thumb making soft moves on his cheek. Theo couldn't stop looking at him, caught inside his bubble again, like he couldn't stop gravitating around him. “I'm sorry you had to feel like that today. I'm sorry I can't understand what you're going through.”

Theo opened his mouth to reply, but Liam gently kissed him first. When it finished, Theo didn't remember what he was about to say anymore.

“If you can’t tell, you can show, right? You are pretty good with that.” Liam whispered against his lips. “Why don't you show me your unending love for me right now?”

Theo laughed and it was like breathing after almost drowning.

“And _I'_ m the annoying one here, huh?” Their following kisses were anything but gentle. They didn't say much more that night.

 

* * *

  

Liam’s phone buzzed some hours after that. He answered to it half-sleep, but was very awake when it ended and he had to get up and out through the window, going to somewhere he was nedeed.

Theo felt the motion, but couldn’t pay attention. The nightmares were worse. They were filled with _them_ , the faces. Now that he realized that Tara wasn't the only one who he had a debt to pay, all of his victims started coming back and taking a part from him until he had nothing left. He was being consumed.

He curled up around himself, on the space Liam left and drifted between dream and reality without being able to wake up. It seemed to last forever.

Theo didn’t know why he had fought so much his entirely life – was still fighting – and never got to be free. Liam was right and wrong when he had said that he already was. Theo didn’t have anyone to tell him what to do anymore or to answer to, but how and when could he be free of himself?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters are taking longer, because college :(


	3. There's no winner here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo face some of his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took too long, sorry. It's going to an end though. The character study is strong on this one lol. I hope you enjoy!

Theo was in the woods. It was night again and the shadows drew grotesque dark creatures on the ground, fed by the light of the full moon. He looked up and stared at the moon and even inside a nightmare Theo would feel an irresistible attraction to it, a feeling that there was something bigger than anything else in this world after all. A constant that meant who he was, his instincts, his choices, his powers. The moon was always there calling for him. He listened to it, craved for it, even if he wasn’t sure what it wanted from him.

The moon also made him think of Liam: _the sun_ , _the moon_ , _the truth_. The things that couldn’t be hidden. Liam’s stupid mantra wasn’t wrong on Theo’s opinion – he thought he could hide the truth and it would made him able to hide himself from the sun and the moon –, he was the one proved wrong and he didn’t know what to do with it. The mantra was weak, though. None of these things would save him.

Looking down, Theo shivered when he recognized the place. It was the same spot where he had found the murdered woman and she was there again, but instead of being sitting lifeless by a tree, she was standing. Her hair wasn’t short anymore, but long enough to partially cover her face. He froze. His body couldn’t stop shaking now that he knew that she was Tara.

Theo couldn’t fight her or run from her. He had tried.

There was nothing he hated more than the feeling he had for his sister. The fear. He had been terrified with the idea of meeting her every fucking night and seeing her in every fucking corner. She was like a shadow, a thought on the back of his mind, reminding him of the pain she could make him feel.

If it wasn’t weakness enough, there was also the regret. After everything that had happened, Theo started to cling on the memories of them before he became the worst person he could be. He had been a child once. They had played together. They had cared about each other. Every time he lost himself in thoughts and tried to put the puzzle of his life together – a shitty excuse to try to justify the crap of decisions he had made –, something inside him would break. Then he was just a bag of scattered pieces, full of self-loathing, thinking that she was the one who should be alive. Everyone would be better without him. Even the ones who would claim otherwise.

He had used her to manipulate Stiles once, saying that Stiles’ snarky made Theo remember of her. Theo had wanted to humanize the picture that Stiles had of him in his head (funny how the monster within Theo always had made it hard for him just to look like a human). At that time, Stiles needed to buy Theo’s image of a good guy or else his plan wouldn’t work. Besides Theo’s motivations, it wasn’t untrue. Tara was smart; she had a sharp mouth and was a million times better than him.

She wasn’t that thing he was looking at in that moment, in the woods. She wasn’t a demon to drag him to hell for his sins. Tara deserved better.

And she wasn’t moving. He waited, his skin pricking and his nerves tense in anticipation. But her body was a statue. Everything in this place, actually, was dead still.

“I’m–” Theo started, but his voice sounded strange, far away from himself, making him even more unsure of what to say. He fucking hated nightmares. “I’m sorry.”

Theo had apologized before, out of pure despair, thinking that it would magically forgive him and disappear. He had said a lot of things to her before, screamed actually, until his throat was so raw any sound would come out of it anymore. But the words were full of fear and empty of meaning. Now that the horrors weren’t really happening – besides the crippling anxiety – Theo could _think_.

A lot of things had changed since he had come out of hell.

He had the chance to know Liam, to be his friend and his lover. He had the chance to feel something genuine after years of cynical and fabricated feelings.

Theo had been a part of a family, treated like one, even if it wasn’t really his.

He’d met ordinary people and felt like they were a world greater than him, without any supernatural power, without something to rule upon.

The monster he had always seen in himself was, somehow, looking more human.

“I-” Theo didn’t know what he wanted to say, the words got stuck on his throat, a thing that didn’t use to happen to him. He used words as weapon and shield, they would never fail him, but in that moment, he didn’t have anyone to defend himself from and anyone to attack or accuse. He wasn’t in position to lie to himself.

So, he took a step forward. And then another.

Something on the back of his mind was screaming to him, alerting how stupid it was to go towards the predator, but Theo couldn’t stop now that he had started.

He stood an arm’s length away from her and she looked up at him. All he wanted was the hurting to stop, for both of them. Did she even exist?

“I can’t undo what’s done.” He said, swallowing dry, shivering. The silence surrounding him was almost deafening, his voice disturbing the morbid peace of the place. “I can’t go back in time and save your life. I would if I could, you know this.”

Of course she knew, he had realized it himself not too long ago.

“I also can’t rip this damn heart from my chest. There’s no way for you to come back and take it.” He had almost believed she could a million times before, but every breath he took now was a proof that it wasn’t possible. “You are not here to live. I am.”

It was suddenly cold, too cold, and Theo started trembling violently.

“There’s no winner here.” He said, feeling a little bit more confident even if his body would collapse anytime soon, even if Tara was moving, her fingertips touching his arms. “I miss you. I miss who I was. I can't get any of these back.”

Her hands went up to his shoulders and closed around his neck for some seconds. He almost couldn't breathe, afraid to move and trying really hard to not be too grossed out by her currently state of being.

“I need you to let go.” Theo almost couldn’t hear his own voice under the sound of his heart beating and his irregular breathing. It was time to let all that shit go. He wasn’t ready to forgive himself and didn’t know if he would be someday, but he was so tired of being tied to the past. Tired of the same thoughts, the same feelings. He wanted to keep going. “Please, let me live.” He felt like crying, like he was shaking from inside and didn’t had a way out.

She got impossible close, even if her body had no heat, Theo could feel her by touch. The hair brushing his shoulder, her arms closing around his chest, her wet and dirt clothes on him.

He thought about the last time they had hugged.

When he started to put his arms around her shoulders, everything seemed too much all of sudden. It felt like a breakpoint on his life. Felt like he was taking a step forward after an eternity of inertia.

Then he was punched in the face.

“What the fuck!” Theo massaged his cheek and sat up so quickly he almost collided with Liam. Theo was breathing hard, trying to calm himself from the dream. His body kept shaking and he couldn’t focus on anything until he looked up and met Liam’s eyes. “What. The. Fuck.”

Liam was clearly worried. Theo noticed he was almost ripping the sheet apart, probably afraid of touching him.

“ _I_ should be asking what the fuck was that!” Liam’s eyes wouldn’t stop inspecting Theo’s body, looking for something out of place, something wrong to explain whatever happened there. “I’ve seen you having nightmares before, but now it looked like you were having a seizure! I almost had to spank you to wake you up, you freaking bastard!”

Theo didn’t mind the anger on his voice, he knew it was Liam’s way to express his concern. He wanted to assure Liam that he was fine, but it was a hard thing to do when Theo felt like his chest was being compressed and that he’d been crying for a while. Which would might be true, considering the wetness on his face and the discomfort on his eyes. The spanking part was also just sinking in and he had to open and close his mouth a couple of times to get use to the throb on his jaw.

“Could you just- I don’t know, say something?” Liam looked exasperated, like he was about to punch him again. “I thought I would lose you for real this time. You weren’t coming back and I…”

And now Liam looked like _he_ was about to cry and Theo couldn’t stand it.

Theo cupped Liam’s face with his hands and pulled him close, their mouths meeting each other painfully. Liam’s hands were on Theo’s body instantly, desperate for contact, to feel his presence and know for sure that Theo was there with him.

On his side, Theo wanted to eat Liam alive.

Their kiss was everything but gentle, they moved like they were starving for each other. There were nails scratching skin, hair being pulled, bites on the neck and shoulders.

“ _Liam_.” Theo said softly between his panting.

Theo grabbed Liam’s ass and put him on his lap, taking off his shirt and leaving a bite on the chest exposed.

“I fucking love you.” He said against Liam’s collarbone and felt himself being shoved, harshly pushed into the mattress and away from the heat of Liam’s body.

“No. You won’t do this to me.” Liam said, his face flushed, pupils so blown up the blue were a thin line. “I- I just can’t. I’ve been full time paranoid with the idea of you leaving me, that you would take your damn truck and disappear. Everything I wanted was for you to tell me this-” Liam interrupted himself and looked away for some seconds, he swallowed and met Theo’s eyes again. “I just needed to know that I was been enough for you to want to stay with me.”

Theo felt the guilty wash over him. He had been so stuck up on his own confusion that he didn’t looked at Liam’s side the way he should. Liam had been fighting for him all this time, even when Theo couldn't do it for himself.

Besides knowing that he loved Liam more than he loved anything in his life, Theo was afraid of what committing to this feeling would mean. He didn’t want to say the words if he didn’t feel ready to stick around, to jump into it and be what Liam wanted him to be. Theo needed Liam in his life so much he was afraid of end up forcing himself into Liam, taking away from him the chance of getting something better.

But now, looking at Liam so vulnerable, so open, Theo felt ready to try. There wasn’t any other place he would rather be and, in that moment, he decided that while Liam wanted him, he would be around.

“Liam, I-”

“And I know, I know, that it’s just words. I mean, I even told you I didn’t need to listen to it, but damn… you’re a freaking piece of work, Theo.” Liam left out a humorless laugh. “I thought I’ve got all wrong. I thought I was losing you.

“And then I find you in my bed having an attack or whatever and it was _that day_ all over again! But I didn’t know why or what to do and then I was panicking with the idea of losing you for yourself.” Liam’s voice was wavering by the end of it. He had unconsciously held himself with his arms.  He looked so small Theo wanted to wrap him under his arms and protect him. Hurt him to know that he was the one hurting Liam.

“Please…” Theo started, swallowing the knot in his throat. He sat up again, caressing Liam’s tights in the process and holding him the best he could, wanting to feel him close. “I’m sorry.”

Liam looked down at him, waiting, his hands were on his face again.

“I’m sorry I’ve made you doubt how I feel about you. I’m sorry for being such a mess and never getting my shit together. But I’m trying, I swear I’m trying.” Theo touched Liam’s hands with his. “And I’m still trying because of you, because I want to be enough for you, I want to be someone that you would be proud of.”

Liam’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth to argue, but Theo needed to let all out now that he felt so raw, now that he had finally started. So he kissed him, it tasted salty this time.

“And I’m so fucking far away from being that person that I thought that it would be cruel to tie you to someone like me.”

“Jesus, Theo, how do you come up with shit like that?” Liam said before kissing him, pulling his hair a bit. “I don’t want perfect. I never wanted you to be someone else.”

Liam pushed him again, but went down with him this time, his body covering his and his face on the crook of Theo’s neck. When he talked, it was a whisper and Theo closed his eyes. It _was_ that day all over again, but Theo felt like now he wanted to be saved. He wanted Liam to pull him from the ocean he had been drowning for so long.

“I know you’ve been hurting.” Liam said. “And that you are changing and you are learning. I want to be part of it. Let me be part of it.”

Liam kissed his jaw. And just then Theo noticed he was crying again, because it didn’t make any sense that someone would love him like that. He felt like he was still dreaming. He felt like the thing that broke inside him after the talk he had with Tara earlier made a crack on his walls and Liam was walking further through it.

“Say it again when you feel like you mean it, not when you think I need to hear it, okay?” Liam asked and Theo just nodded, because he didn’t had the energy to say anything. They stayed there for a while, until their breathing returned to normal, Theo felt like he was absorbing Liam’s warmth. Like he was coming back to life.

Theo asked himself when things would start to get less intense. He chuckled and felt Liam laugh a little against his chest.

“You are an idiot if you think I didn’t mean it.” Theo said, gentle, while Liam laid out beside him. They moved and ended up facing at each other, laying on their sides. “I don’t need that much to get in your pants.”

“Theo, babe, please, stop ruining the moment.” Liam replied, but had a fond smile on his face nevertheless. “Can you tell me what happened while I was gone?”

Theo growled and rearranged himself so he was looking at the ceiling. He had enough keeping things to himself, if he was really determined to build something with Liam from there on he should start making an effort sharing. But damn if it wasn’t hard.

“Okay, right.” He swallowed and tried to organize his thoughts well enough to make sense. “I was sleeping and couldn’t wake up. There were- Well, some people I have killed or hurt kept showing up and saying things, doing things. You know, regular nightmares.” It was bad, but wasn’t the point and Theo didn’t want to have to remember everything in details.

“Then I was somewhere else and Tara was there. My nightmares with her have a certain… pattern: She comes up, I can’t move, can’t run, can’t breathe, she put her hand on my chest – through it – and takes off my heart. It's still beating and I’m still alive, somehow, to see it.” Theo tried to summarize it in a way that it would sound simple and detached. It was okay for Liam to know, but not okay for Liam to pity him. “Just like it was in hell, anyway. But this time things were different. She was there, but didn’t come to me, didn’t do anything, and for an instant I was even more terrified than ever, because I didn’t know what would happen.”

“Theo…” Liam put a hand on his arm and waited.

“It felt right to- to talk to her.” _I’m sorry_ , he had said, asking for another chance. “Then she gave me a hug.”

“A hug? Oh, well. That seems cool.” Theo looked at him again and wanted to smile. He would like to see the world through Liam’s eyes someday. Eyes that hadn’t seen the rotten body of your dead sister trying to reach you. He made a face at the memory. “If you didn’t look like you were fucking dying here, I would say it sounds like a good ending.”

“Maybe it is.” Theo shrugged. “I feel kinda... free. I don’t know.”

They stared at each other and Theo almost leaned in to kiss him when they heard a noise outside. Theo would thought that it was pretty trivial if it wasn’t for Liam’s reaction, alert all of sudden, getting up and searching desperately for something on his pockets.

“What have _y_ _ou_ been doing this morning?” Theo asked, sitting up and watching Liam find his phone and cursing under his breath.

“I totally forgot to charge my phone.” Liam was putting his shirt back when someone opened the window.

“Yeah, yeah… of course you forgot or else I wouldn’t have to fucking go out search for you _again_ and God forbid you all giving me a break for once.” Jackson said, entering the room and making a face to the scent of obvious sexual tension everywhere. “I’m deadly serious when I say that I hate you two.”

“I don’t remember inviting you.” Theo replied, getting up and crossing his arms. “Do you have something to do here or are you just complaining?”

“Why are you talking?” The disdain on Jackson’s face made Theo want to punch him until he heard the sound of his bones breaking. Theo’s fists were closed tight, ready to fight, and his overreaction made him also aware of how much on the edge he was at the moment. Luckily, any of this was truly showing and he calmed himself quickly, taking a deep breath and trying not to be too wounded up because Liam was being taken from him. Again.

He had refused to make part of the pack, even if Scott wasn’t in charge anymore (actually, Scott not being there was one of the reasons why he became even more resistant. Scott was awfully nice and not just never let his hatred show but he also didn’t let the others do it. His mediation made no one jump into each other’s throats) and even with Liam’s insistence. Theo had been tired of fighting them, but, more than that, he was tired of struggling with the way he should feel about them.

Also, Theo never stopped being an asshole and he knew that his presence would cause more problems than Liam deserved to handle in his new position.

So he kept his distance and created a solid wall separating the pack’s side and the Theo’s side of Liam’s life. Theo never regretted it, but he hated to be excluded of something so important to Liam, something that could get him hurt in so many ways. _You could hurt him in so many ways_ , the thought didn’t help his anxiety at all.

“I need to go.” Liam brought him back to reality putting a hand on his arm. His eyes were worried and agitated. “Cover for me to mom. Say I’m staying with Mason or whatever, I don’t know when I’ll be able to come back.”

“Wait.” Theo held Liam’s hand before he could disappear again. “What’s going on?”

“Haven’t you noticed that we're kind of in a hurry here?” Jackson said, but Theo and Liam ignored him, looking at each other, Liam with all the concerns Theo already knew about – am I good enough? Can I do this? Can I fix things? – and Theo with his vulnerability and fear of losing what he had just got. “Oh my god, guys, how can you be worse than Scott and Malia? I’m so disgusted. I would happily fuck off if the situation wasn’t, you know, urgent.”

“What changed?” Liam asked Jackson without looking at him.

“We’ve found her. Actually, she’s found us.” Jackson shrugged. “She’s taken Stiles.”

“What!?” Liam’s eyes widened almost comically with that information. “You have to be kidding me! We’ve just spent the entire fucking night searching for her and she suddenly just come and take Stiles? For fuck’s sake!”

“Yeah. But at least we can track them now.”

Theo pondered quickly, if he wanted to be present, he should make an effort and be present.

“It’s a trap.” Theo said and both of them looked at him knowingly, like they were thinking the same thing. But they also had a determined look on their faces, letting it clear that they were doing this even if they knew it was dangerous.

“Right, I’m going with you.” He gave Jackson a look, but was mildly surprised that he didn’t protest. “I’ll follow you with my truck though, I don’t trust him to get me anywhere.”

“Ha ha, so funny.” Jackson replied, blunt. Besides the animosity between them, Jackson was the one in the pack with who Theo felt like he could talk normally, without thinking too much if he was offending him or hurting his feelings. They were aware that they had done some shit in the past, but they hadn’t known or affected each other while doing it. They could not like at each other in the slightest, but at least there wasn’t any kind of regret weighting between them like it was with the others.

And they had matching scars now that they both had survived the last horde of hunters in Beacon Hills. While Theo’s scar was on his arm, Jackson had the bad luck to take a scraping shot on the side of his neck, close to his ear. Jackson’s hearing wasn’t damaged, but his skin never recovered and the mark couldn’t be covered.

“I’ll tell you everything I know on the way.” Liam said and Theo nodded. If he was missing action in his life now was time to have it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me remember why I don't write stories often, I'm no good when I'm not inspired enough. Anyway, I hope it wasn't too bad. See ya.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, let me know what you think. ♥


End file.
